From Alison Brie to Zach Randolph, and everything in between.
It’s almost February, which means Hollywood is once again serving us well vodka at Grey Goose prices. Winter movie season is dreary at best, but I’m here to try and make it fun by pitting each weekend’s new releases against each other in a fight to the death. Up February 1st: Warm Bodies vs. Bullet to the Head. (Key note: I haven’t seen either one. But the plan is to learn how to make an educated guess, cause seeing the wrong movie can set you back a few pesos.)
Stallone is back in a movie he didn’t write or direct, which is great news. Bullet to the Head doesn’t feature much else in the star department- Khal Drogo (Jason Momoa) is the villain, but if he doesn’t rip any throats it’d be quite disappointing. He has no lines in any of the trailers- could this be his third role in a row (Conan) where he barely speaks? Warm Bodies features some young lesser-known talent- Nicholas Hoult and Teresa Palmer are the leads. The former is best known for being the ex-Mr. Jennifer Lawrence, and about the latter GQ said “think a blonde Kristen Stewart”, as if that’s a good thing. James Franco’s little brother and the adorable chipmunk babysitter from Crazy,Stupid,Love round out the fresh faces, while clown doctor Rob Corddry brings the laughs and the immortal John Malkovich brings the creepiness. You’ll see the lead mumble incoherent dialogue in either movie, so I’ll go with the one where that’s intentional.
Edge: Warm Bodies
Behind the Camera
I’m a strong believer in movie quality being mostly dependent on the writer/director, so let’s take a look at the credits. Bullet in the Head ‘s director Walter Hill produced Aliens and its fancy remake, Prometheus, but hasn’t directed much since the eighties. Warm Bodies writer/director Jonathan Levine directed the vastly underrated 50/50. Based off their track records, look forward to Stallone performing a self-abortion and zombies exploiting their disease to get laid (wait, I think that’s the actual plot).
Tagline– “Revenge Never Gets Old” vs. “Cold Body Warm Heart”
Puns. These are interchangable:
-“Old Body Warm Heart” Stallone’s next film, playing a crusty retired boxer suffering from Alzheimer’s who finds laughter and true friendship from his live-in nurse, Monique~ The Bedpan
-”Revenge Never Gets Cold” Two former-classmates-turned-rival chefs, Bradley Cooper and Jason Segel, compete to earn Milwaukee’s first four-star Michelin rating but end up burning down their restaurants and lives in pursuit of perfection~ Kooks in the Kitchen
Edge: Kooks in the Kitchen
Best quote, from Adam Woodward: “Bwah bluh gurh [casual racism] fnuh buh gwugh [huge explosion].” Guess which one he’s talking about?
Who would have thought the date movie of any weekend would be a cute little rom com between a girl and a zombie.
Verdict: Zombies over Rocky
To me, Warm Bodies is either a clever parody of the whole teen vampire craze, or a shameful parasite of that genre. Let’s hope for the former. Stallone will just have to hope for better luck in the the sequels: Knife to the Chest, Baseball Bat to the Mouth, & Tumor to the Prostate.
Opening Weekend Prediction (based on historical weekend data/similar movies/pure guessing):
Warm Bodies $21.2 million, Bullet in the Head $27.1 million